Pregnant & On A Horse (20)

Like  mentioned, I didn't know what the year 2002 had it store and had I known when the year started, I may have been a bit eerie about facing it. I had gone from in a year from being a little girl to being married and on my own. I thought being married would provide some shelter, some protection and maybe some certainty about life. I had been taught that the husband is supposed to take care of his wife and provide for his family. I didn't necessarily believe that he had to do all of the work but I did believe that he had what took to carry the burden but that wasn't the case with Jonsey. In fact I soon found that he was a bit mentally behind and I wasn't the only one who noticed, in time, in quick time my pastor would notice and others including my friend Mike and at some point Mike would even be concerned that he (Jonesy) wasn't capable of taking care of me but that would prove to be true over time.

In January of 2002, I found I was expecting. It took me a while to realize that I might be pregnant, I think part of me didn't want to be so soon and part of me wasn't sure what it was supposed to feel like when you became pregnant. When I started to realize that I might be pregnant, all I could think about was the talk the directors at the women’s shelter about getting on birth control. Now it made sense what they were trying to do, they were trying to help me and later I had wished I had listened and heeded to their direction and counsel.

I would take the at home pregnancy tests but they would all come back as negative but I knew that I was. I had already missed my first period which had never happened to me and I was feeling the signs. I remember the adopted mother’s sister years ago telling her what it felt like to know you were pregnant and for some reason I could never forget it. And the way she described it, matched my symptoms.

I finally went to the health department in February if I remember right. My friend Karen had gone with me and it was confirmed that I was pregnant and my due date was October 3^rd.

I was excited, nervous and curious all at once. But part of me felt ashamed? I guess because we hadn't waited to have a family and I knew in my heart that any kind of life as far as school or college was going to have to wait. I knew that the baby was going to have to come first.

Jonsey was excited but as far as showing any more emotion than that, it wouldn't happen but I’m not sure what else he was supposed to fee?

I would keep working at Burger King after the wedding but the shift manager Nancy had already picked up on the fact that I was pregnant. My performance there was not the greatest and I was soon not feeling good and it was taking its toll on my job. People kind of acted disappointed that I was pregnant so soon after being married and I wouldn't understand that until a few years later when I would start working with teenage girls on a regular basis.

Soon the ‘not feeling so good’ kicked into morning sickness but it would soon become all day sickness and then mostly nighttime sickness. It was sad because my favorite thing to eat was Taco Bell and one night I was craving it and so Jonsey had gone out to pick me up a couple of tacos only to have me throw it all up later. Needless to say I had to take a break from TB for a while which was very sad.

Not much else really appealed to me except for the infamous pickles and then homemade spaghetti with tons of black pepper in it. Milk was another thing I craved and I would drink lots of it too.

Life went on though, I would keep working at Burger King with Karen and Scotty. Jonsey would keep working at the truck stop and we would keep going to church in Morganton. By now, I was working a lot with the kids in children church. I was asked by the pastor to start teaching them and heading up the music segment of children’s church. It was a lot of fun and I was able to use what I had learned over the years to teach the kids.

The morning sickness carried on though for a while in fact I remember it carrying into the month of March and it was kind of getting worse. I would talk to the doctor about it and they weren't concerned yet. I remember the day I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat, the sad thing is, is that I can’t remember if Jonsey was there. But, I got to hear my baby’s heart beat and it was loud and strong. I couldn't wait for the day we would find out what we were having. I really wanted a boy for some reason. I guess part of it was because that’s what I was used to, I had grown up with boys and they were fun and easy.

The day would come for the ultrasound and we found out we were having a boy. I was thrilled. I remember the adopted mom preaching at me when I was at home about how she wished I would have a daughter one day so I could go through what she had to go through raising me. I remember praying that I would always have a boy first and the Lord answered my prayers! It didn't really matter though, the adopted parents weren't around when I found out that I was pregnant. I didn't know how to contact them and they hadn't bothered to contact me since I went to the women’s shelter in 2001.

Jonsey’s mom and step dad in Atlanta were excited though and his dad and step-mom were okay with it, they weren't thrilled for some reason but they would try to act like they were.

I had the support of the church, my pastor and my friends including Mike and Karen and that was okay with me.

Soon I would have to quit my job at Burger King and I wasn't the only one, Karen would quit too. Things were changing there and it was becoming frustrating to work there. Karen would get a job at the Truck Stop where Jonsey worked at the restaurant and she would be a waitress there. I would get a job at the TCBY booth there, as a manager. It was kind of cool that all of us worked there, even though we had different shifts.

But, the morning sickness was getting worse and that was when it became all day sickness and again, it was effecting my job and I had to quit. I was becoming very good friends with my bathroom and it was just awful.

When all of us or the others weren't working we would hang out when we could. We either went to Karen’s house to cook out and watch movies or we would hang out at our house. One night Scotty and Karen had come over to hang out, we started out at Karen’s house and then ended up at ours. Karen and I had to go back to her house to get something and while were gone, Scotty was alone with Jonsey. By the time the night was over, Scotty had taken off but not without stealing cash off our coffee table, grocery money that was intended for groceries. We never saw Scotty again which was sad, he was a good guy but obviously had some issues. Jonsey thought it would be a good idea to call the cops though and report the cash stolen. I wasn't sure what good that would do but he did it anyways.

The very next morning, while we were in bed, there was a knock on the door. Jonsey went to answer it only to come back to the room and tell me that he was being arrested! I quickly woke up and asked why. He said it was because he had gotten a $25 ticket in December sometime after the wedding for the tags on the car being expired. I could not believe what I was hearing. I knew nothing of a $25 ticket, had never seen it, he had never told me about it and apparently he had never paid it or went to court for the ticket. Because he had called the cops that night to report Scotty for stealing the cash, they had put Jonsey’s information in the computer and a warrant came up. So he went off to jail that morning. I was stuck at home, by myself without a car, without a phone (it had gotten cut off) and I didn't know what to do. I called my pastor and told him and he pointed me in the direction of a couple of people who might know what to do. I had never done this before. Karen came over that morning after I told her what had happened. She was shocked too and about as mad as I was. All of this for not paying for a $25 ticket! We had the money at the time to pay for it, why he hadn't was beyond me. I was so angry. He hadn't been honest with me and had hidden something from me and I was very upset.

I remember calling the jail to find out what his bail was and I can’t remember how much it was but it was a lot. I would have to go over to the Landlord’s house next to Karen’s house to use his phone and I would spend time trying to find a bail bonds man only to find that Jonsey wasn't eligible for bail because he hadn't lived in N.C. as long as I had. So, I had to call his mom and tell her what was going on. She was ticked off too! But she said she was sending me a check for to pay for the bail in full and she was rushing it there. The odd part of all of all that going on was that the stress and being upset had been too much that it had made the morning/all day sickness stop. It took me a couple of days to realize that I hadn't thrown up at all. I wasn't sure if it had completely stopped or if it was just for a day or two and then would come back.

The Landlord was being helpful through the whole ordeal. He was an older man, kind of a like a grandpa who lived alone in a big house next to the trailer park. He lived alone. He was always nice to Karen and I, sometimes too nice but we wouldn't pick up on it until later. He would leave his garage open and leave the door open that went into his kitchen so we could use the phone whenever we wished. When the check came from Jonsey’s mom, I needed help cashing it. We didn't have a bank account so cashing it to pay for the bail would be a problem. But the Landlord offered to cash it for me and then he took me to the jail to get Jonsey out. He got out and we went home. I think I may have chewed him out, I tried to find out why the heck he hadn't said a word about the ticket but he didn't have a reasonable answer. I would find out that one of his answers to everything was ‘I don’t know’.  He had to call his mother as she had directed and I’m glad I wasn't part of that conversation.

Life seems to calm down a bit after that ordeal happened. But we were struggling already. Jonsey wasn't making a whole lot at the truck stop as a cook and it was out of the question for me to get a job because of the pregnancy and the toll it was taking on my back. We owned three cars in a period of 4-5 months? Jonsey always bought a piece of junk that wouldn't last long and I guess it never dawned on him to save up for something that would last. But because he was buying junk, all of the money we had was going towards fixing them and we were constantly struggling to keep on top of bills. The phone had been cut off, our power bill was tied into the rent and we were barely keeping up with that. We for some reason were not able to get on food stamps and so grocery money was tight. I remember having to count coins to find enough money to buy a can of something to eat from the store. I was able to get on the assistance program for pregnant women so we had that to use. But times were just hard. It never really occurred to Jonsey to get a better job. There were jobs there, but he didn't want to do the work to get one. It was getting rather frustrating.

When we could Karen and I would hang out together. I was so grateful to have her as a friend. I remember being about 4-5 months pregnant with the baby and I was barely showing, and we went to a friend’s house to ride horses. Yes, I was riding a horse while I was pregnant and it was a ton of fun. Karen would ride too and we had a blast that day. Sometimes we would go to Karen’s mom’s house down the road and we would cook out and have dinner there. Her mom was Mexican and she loved me and she always had fun with Karen and I.

One day Karen and I were at friend’s house down the road, we had been invited to come over and look at the horses. While we were there, Karen and I were hanging out at a fence watching the horses and then she asked me if our Landlord had been acting weird with me. I told her no, but then she told me that she thought that he had been acting weird with her. She was convinced that she had seen him peeping in her windows at the house but she wasn't sure. She said that he would ask her if she wanted to come over to his house for odd reasons and she would always tell him no. 

Karen thought she was just overreacting and of course I wasn't too aware of what an old man could do. I knew something wasn't right but I wasn't educated enough to put two and two together. But, I would find out soon what she meant and I would learn what it mean to put two and two together and it would haunt me for the rest of my life.

One day Jonsey was at work at the truck stop, which was right down the road from us, in a car it took maybe 3-4 minutes to get there. Karen was at work too and I was at home. Ever since the going to jail incident, the Landlord had been kind enough to take Karen and I to the store or to Walmart if we needed to. But ever since that day that Karen had asked me those questions about him, we both had kind of backed off of him and tried not use his phone or anything. He had already asked me once if he could touch the baby but that was before he was supposedly acting weird and I hadn't thought twice about it. I was starting to show and he wasn't the only one who had asked and I was okay with it. On this day, I needed to desperately go to the store and went over to Karen’s to see if she was home (I hadn't know yet that she was at work), because her house was next door to the Landlord’s, it was kind of impossible to see people in his driveway when you were at her house. I saw a friend from church there and he waved at me. I went over to say hi and we talked, he then left and the Landlord asked me to come in really quick to ask me something. We went into his house, into the kitchen and he asked what I was doing that day and I proceeded to tell him that I was looking for Karen and that I needed to go to Walmart. He by now was sitting at the kitchen table where the phone was and he went on to talk about something.  All of a sudden those whole thing felt weird and all of the questions that Karen had asked me that day about him were coming to mind. The guy from church was already gone and Karen was obviously not at home. Before I knew it the landlord asked me if he could touch the baby and I was like ‘okay’. But he did more than that and he went on to do things that were considered today as molesting me. He didn't see anything wrong with that he was doing and I couldn't stop him, I knew (and Karen) that he had a gun in the house. I didn't know what to do, on the inside I was panicking and I wanted to run but I didn't know what he would do to me if I tried to run. When he finished touching me inappropriately and doing other things, I told him that I needed to go back to my house and get my purse and that I needed him to take me to the store. In my head, I needed him to take me to the truck stop though and I was trying to act calm. There was nobody around for me to run to for safety or to call the police. So, I went back to his house and got in the truck, he didn't act any different or like anything had happened. I told him as we approached the truck stop that I needed to stop there and get some money from Jonsey. So he pulled up in front and I went inside. I found Karen first and I was already in tears as I walked up to her. She saw that I was upset and pulled aside some place where the landlord couldn't see through the restaurant windows. I told her what had happened and I cried. She hugged me tight and cried with me. She was shocked. Soon Jonsey came around and she told him what happened and he was furious! Karen and I decided that calling the cops would probably be futile because it was going to his (the landlord’s) word against mine. I was allowed to stay at the restaurant with Karen and Jonsey until they got off work, so I went out as calmly as possible and told the landlord that the manager needed me to work as a server (which had happened before) and that I didn't need to go to Walmart. The landlord left and I can’t remember if he had figured out that something wasn't right or not.

All I remember of that night is going to bed and laying there wide awake crying, crying hard. I felt dirty, angry, broken and a hundred other feelings all at once. I cried so hard and it turned into sobs. Jonsey wasn’t much of comfort for some reason. I wasn’t sure if he understood the severity of the situation and what had happened. Karen understood and she had made sure that night before leaving my house that I was okay. I wasn’t okay. I was so angry. Why had I not known that men were capable of doing such things to people? Why had I not been warned about perverts and old dirty men? I know the adopted mother knew about this but why had she not taught me about this kind of stuff? How could you not warn your children that there are evil people in the world who will hurt you? I was fortunate that he hadn’t raped me or killed me and I’ve been told over the years that me ‘playing it calm’ may have spared me even more damaging acts being done to me.

I would be numb for a few days. I wouldn’t know what to feel or how to feel. I knew that I didn’t want to be there anymore. I was already having doubts about our marriage. Jonsey didn’t have any drive or motive to work harder or get more work. I was 5 months pregnant and really starting to show. Life was getting harder and this was not how I imagined married life would be. I knew that it was going to rough but not this hard. I was maturing more but Jonsey wasn’t so much. He was already hiding things from me and being dishonest and I could only hope and pray at the time that it wasn’t going to be like this for the rest of our lives. We had a baby coming and we had to be ready for him. We couldn’t be counting change for groceries when the baby came and struggling to pay the bills.

We hadn’t confronted the landlord about the incident that day in fear of him throwing us out of our trailer. We didn’t have anywhere to go, we didn’t have the money saved up to move. We had just gotten another little car but that was about it. Inside my heart, I was starting to feel hurt and let down. But help would come and change would be on the way again, but change would take us somewhere else outside of North Carolina. Change would take us to Atlanta Georgia and we would start another chapter in our lives. But that’s for the next story.

Until next time, be blessed and inspired to make a difference.

~The Adopted Child