Dear Dad,
Today it has been a year, well, technically the 25th
it will be a year since you went to Heaven but Thursday is the day it all
happened. I remember that day like it happened yesterday and it and the days
after were some of the darkest days I have ever gone through. As hard as I try
to not think about it, I keep finding myself rehearsing the events of that day.
I remember every detail so clearly.
I have spent the last year, just heartbroken and confused
and yes even angry. I was angry at you and I was even angry at God. I just
could not wrap my mind around the idea that you would just leave me, even after
you said you loved me. Who does that to someone who they love? You were the
only person who was remotely like family to me and now you’re gone. Yes, Ashley
and Nicole are my family, they are my sisters but we are building relationships
that should have been built 14 years ago. You were it, you loved me, and I was
your daughter, your first one. You chose me to be your daughter for some
reason. I’ve wondered why ‘you’ wanted me. Why did you pick me? I’ll never know now.
One of the biggest things I have struggled with is the many ‘nevers’
that have crossed my mind. You’re never going to get to walk me down the aisle
if the Lord gives me another chance to know what true love is. I’m never going
to be able to call you or talk to you on Father’s Day, on Christmas Day or any
day for that matter. You have no idea what I would do to just talk to you, to
hear your voice, to have you give me just a hug. The last time I hugged you,
all hell was breaking loose and I whispered into your ear ‘everything will be
ok’. Now, I’m telling myself that. Somehow, everything is going to be okay.
Some days I don’t even know how.
Dad, this last year has been so hard and I have hit lows I
never thought I could hit and I have walked through valleys that I thought
would never end. I’ve been told the grieving process is different for everybody
and I have found that to be true. I think I have grieved all year long, going
through the different stages of it that only I can describe. I went through the
stage where I was angry at God. Why would He let you do something like that?
Why would He take the one thing that I have wanted my whole life, a family?
Why? I would ask why for a very long time and even today I still ask why. But,
I know that God loves me, somehow He does. And I know that He wants me to keep
going.
For the last year, I have been writing my story like you
told me too. It’s a really messed up story but I guess it could be worse? I
just keep telling myself that the story is so far from over and I keep holding
on to every promise He has made for me and I keep pushing forward. Life is so hard right now Dad and I feel like
I’m drowning and I can’t keep up. I feel like I’m doing this on my own and I
can’t keep doing this. But, somehow I keep going, I keep pushing through with
each passing day and just keep holding on to hope that it’s going to all turn
around one day and I will be okay. It will be okay, right Dad? I wish I could
hear you say that to me. If you only knew the tears that I have shed, if you
only knew the pain that I have dealt with, if you just knew how much I missed
you.
Dad, I have spent the last year trying to forgive you,
trying to forgive myself for letting you down. I was told that the police who
came to your apartment were about 3 minutes too late. I keep telling myself
that if I hadn’t taken a nap that day, if I just turned my phone on instead of
putting it on silent. There are so many ‘what ifs’ but I have had to let them
go. I have to let you go and move on. I have to stop trying to figure out why
you did what you did and why God let it happen and just trust Him. I have had
to do a lot of trusting this year, not just with your situation but with so
many others that most people don’t know about.
Anyways, Dad I miss you so much, there’s not a day that goes
by that I don’t think about you or pull up a memory from my memory bank and
think about the good times. Every time I drink a Dr. Pepper or an A&W I
think about you. Every time I make a meal that you used to make, I think about
you. Thanks for the memories Dad, it’s the good ones I choose to remember, not
the bad.
A year ago, I learned the phrase ‘Choose Joy’ and tonight
through the tears, I make a commitment to live by that phrase. I’m going to try
to push through this year and finish the process of grieving and ‘Choose Joy’
and trust Jesus.
I can’t wait to see you again Dad, I hope that it is soon
but until that day comes, please know that I’m trying to make you and my
Heavenly Father proud, proud to call me your daughter, ‘strong as a rock’ like
you told me the day you went to be with Jesus. Your death as tragic as it was,
has not been in vain, not if I can help it. You were a special person to so
many people, people that have become my friends and family. They miss you too
and you touched their lives in ways I’m sure you’re now discovering up there in
Heaven. You were always special to me, I respected you and cared about you,
even when it seemed like nobody else did. Anyways, I’ll write to you next year
when the anniversary comes around but, for now, goodbye Dad. There are no
words, just tears to tell how much that I love you.
~Your First Daughter, The Adopted Child
No comments:
Post a Comment